[ She's so sorry, Cullen, but she has to laugh. Not at his expense, necessarily, but at the situation. ]
I'm starting to wonder. It's so much easier sending troops to destroy an enemy's camp or rifling through the Exalted Plains for people. Relationships are...
[ A sigh of her own. ]
They're messy. I'm sorry.
[ Because regardless of what's going on with him - and she's certain a mage friend of theirs is at least partially responsible for the weight on his shoulders - she can sympathize with the struggle. ]
What's bothering you, Cullen? Besides the lack of demons and rifts, I mean.
It doesn't help that we're surrounded by some that would likely be our... enemies under different circumstances.
[ He means Anders, of course. ]
I never had time to think about personal matters before. It was always... work. And now, I can't stop worrying about things. About whether or not I'm making idiotic mistakes. [ And she still doesn't know about some... other things. ] It's also... Cassandra. She told me a little about the Inquisitor that she knows and Maker-
[ Where does he even start? ]
--If she seems more dour than usual, she has good reason to. The things her Inquisitor has done...
[ None of it seemed right. ]
I've never been more grateful for you, as a leader and as a friend.
I wonder, sometimes, if we would not be hated by some of the people here if we were back in Thedas. It's not just the dynamic or the balance of power, but simply because of who we are and what we are doing.
[ Beyond the Inquisition and its decisions, but that they are a mismatch of so many backgrounds. How they've managed to mesh so well is still astounding to her. ]
We aren't dealing in life or death scenarios for the moment. A mistake or two won't be irreparable, I promise. I think it's been difficult for some - myself included - to remember that. Sometimes it's like...walking on thin ice.
[ Like with Nathaniel.
But now Cullen piques her interest and she frowns while she listens, brow furrowed as she sits back. ]
Cassandra hasn't told me much of Adaar. I had wondered-- What has her Inquisitor done?
At least you didn't get in a verbal sparring match with a known apostate over mages and templars.
[ Where to begin.. ]
First of all, she disbanded the Templar Order, absorbing its soldiers into the Inquisition's power. I cannot say I would particularly agree with that course of action, however your opinion might differ.
[ Another deep breath. ]
Apparently, she also said that I was needed at my best, and did not grant me the same opportunities that you did in regards to... lyrium. I suppose she-- did not look fondly on second chances.
[ The silence on her end is nothing short of horrified. In fact, she's speechless for several moments following what Cullen says, heart sinking. ]
No.
[ It's not said demurely; it is not said brokenly. That one word is hard and angry and piercingly cold. ]
No. No, she can't do that. It's not-- You made your choice, it's not her right to take it away from you. Taking lyrium will kill you!
[ If not physically, then mentally. The idea of Cullen wasting away, forgetting things, losing all of the pieces that are him until he's nothing but a devoted, blind husk of a man... She remembers some of the hunters in her clan poking fun, hoping that any Templars coming near their camp would be one of those too lyrium-addled to prove formidable. She feels sick at the thought now, realizing she might have once wished such a fate on someone she now calls one of her closest friends.
She's disgusted at who she used to be. ]
That's not fair, Cullen, and she has no right - no one has the right, not even me - to tell you what to do, to force you to take lyrium. You are at your best now, as you are, as you have been.
I can understand why she would have done that. It was the─ safer option. It might have been the choice I would have made. Were I in your position.
[ Even still, she had encouraged him. Told him that the Inquisition could be a fresh start, if he wanted it to be. Though unexpected, her support meant more to him than words could reflect. And he could hear the anger in her voice. ]
─But, whatever happened there, with that Inquisitor, it's not what's happened to me. I have my second chance.
You had already been going some time without lyrium. Re-introducing it to you... I don't think that's a better idea than what you were going through.
[ But she also isn't a Circle mage, never knew the true extent of lyrium poisoning or what it did to Templars. That was a side she had never delved into until entering the Inquisition. Had she been someone else, had she been a human or a Qunari, would this have changed how she felt?
She frowns. ]
She deserves that chance. Cassandra's worked hard for it, like anyone else. The Seekers can and will be something great with her guidance. I believe in her and the potential she can find.
[ Would she speak of that to Lavellan, though? ]
I will...try to talk to her. She seemed distant when I tried to speak to her in person and I'm afraid she doesn't trust me. [ Scratch that. She KNOWS Cassandra doesn't trust her. ] I hope that will change.
[ There's a pause, like she might hang up. But then-- ]
Cullen, do you think... Should I have been more demanding of the Inquisition? Should I have tried to be more authoritative with the troops or with the others or-- I don't know. More like an Inquisitor should be?
Perhaps we can encourage her to... find another way when she returns. ]
[ Not that he's one for insubordination. ]
I will... continue to try and put in a good word for you. [ That didn't help much, now did it. ] Think of it... perhaps as though you are starting again, and Cassandra is almost as she was after we'd discovered you in Haven. It will take time. But, Maker-willing, it will change.
[ It might even be worse, truthfully, given how little Cassandra seems to think of this "Adaar". ]
Truthfully? [ A pause as he think things through. ] There have been times that I've disagreed with the leniency you've given some. I would have not offered the rebel mages such lax terms, and I might have gone with a harsher hand on Ranier. [ A pause. ] And that is why I am not Inquisitor. You have always granted everyone a fair chance, even when they might not think they deserve it. Rather than ruling through fear or for your own ends, you seek to build a better world for everyone, be they elves, humans, or ex-templars that need to be reminded to take a moment for themselves.
[ She might not be able to see it, but he's smiling. ]
You are what an Inquisitor should be, and though I may not always agree with every decision you make at first, know that I will always stand by your side, as your commander and as your friend.
I could tell her. But...at this juncture, I wonder if it would be better if I leave her be.
[ It's been a long time since Cassandra has been so openly hostile with her. Cullen has the right idea of it, to treat it like she is starting again. Which, unfortunately, means walking on eggshells. ]
So long as she doesn't slap me in irons, I can do that. I really would like not to repeat such a scenario again.
[ Even if it is for Cassandra.
But even across the phone, Lavellan's smile echoes his own, and it is incredibly obvious. ]
I'm glad to give people another chance. We've been afforded that opportunity and we're lucky for it. Under other circumstances, I don't know if leniency would be possible. [ And she might not have been able to be the iron fist the Inquisition might have needed otherwise. ] I'm...sometimes glad I am the Inquisitor, if it means I can do these things to help people.
Thank you, Cullen. What you've said means a great deal to me. [ And it's lifted her spirits considerably. ] I cannot ask for a better commander or friend. I trust you'll tell me when-- No. If I should ever become similar to this other Inquisitor. I shouldn't have the title if it means all I am doing is serving myself.
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carisma_sensei
voice;
Date: 2015-04-30 11:54 pm (UTC)I'm starting to wonder. It's so much easier sending troops to destroy an enemy's camp or rifling through the Exalted Plains for people. Relationships are...
[ A sigh of her own. ]
They're messy. I'm sorry.
[ Because regardless of what's going on with him - and she's certain a mage friend of theirs is at least partially responsible for the weight on his shoulders - she can sympathize with the struggle. ]
What's bothering you, Cullen? Besides the lack of demons and rifts, I mean.
voice;
Date: 2015-05-01 12:07 am (UTC)[ He means Anders, of course. ]
I never had time to think about personal matters before. It was always... work. And now, I can't stop worrying about things. About whether or not I'm making idiotic mistakes. [ And she still doesn't know about some... other things. ] It's also... Cassandra. She told me a little about the Inquisitor that she knows and Maker-
[ Where does he even start? ]
--If she seems more dour than usual, she has good reason to. The things her Inquisitor has done...
[ None of it seemed right. ]
I've never been more grateful for you, as a leader and as a friend.
voice;
Date: 2015-05-01 12:13 am (UTC)[ Beyond the Inquisition and its decisions, but that they are a mismatch of so many backgrounds. How they've managed to mesh so well is still astounding to her. ]
We aren't dealing in life or death scenarios for the moment. A mistake or two won't be irreparable, I promise. I think it's been difficult for some - myself included - to remember that. Sometimes it's like...walking on thin ice.
[ Like with Nathaniel.
But now Cullen piques her interest and she frowns while she listens, brow furrowed as she sits back. ]
Cassandra hasn't told me much of Adaar. I had wondered-- What has her Inquisitor done?
voice;
Date: 2015-05-01 01:03 am (UTC)At least you didn't get in a verbal sparring match with a known apostate over mages and templars.
[ Where to begin.. ]
First of all, she disbanded the Templar Order, absorbing its soldiers into the Inquisition's power. I cannot say I would particularly agree with that course of action, however your opinion might differ.
[ Another deep breath. ]
Apparently, she also said that I was needed at my best, and did not grant me the same opportunities that you did in regards to... lyrium. I suppose she-- did not look fondly on second chances.
voice;
Date: 2015-05-01 01:28 am (UTC)No.
[ It's not said demurely; it is not said brokenly. That one word is hard and angry and piercingly cold. ]
No. No, she can't do that. It's not-- You made your choice, it's not her right to take it away from you. Taking lyrium will kill you!
[ If not physically, then mentally. The idea of Cullen wasting away, forgetting things, losing all of the pieces that are him until he's nothing but a devoted, blind husk of a man... She remembers some of the hunters in her clan poking fun, hoping that any Templars coming near their camp would be one of those too lyrium-addled to prove formidable. She feels sick at the thought now, realizing she might have once wished such a fate on someone she now calls one of her closest friends.
She's disgusted at who she used to be. ]
That's not fair, Cullen, and she has no right - no one has the right, not even me - to tell you what to do, to force you to take lyrium. You are at your best now, as you are, as you have been.
You deserved your second chance.
voice;
Date: 2015-05-02 12:22 am (UTC)[ Even still, she had encouraged him. Told him that the Inquisition could be a fresh start, if he wanted it to be. Though unexpected, her support meant more to him than words could reflect. And he could hear the anger in her voice. ]
─But, whatever happened there, with that Inquisitor, it's not what's happened to me. I have my second chance.
[ He swallows. ]
And I can only pray Cassandra gets her's.
voice;
Date: 2015-05-02 01:39 am (UTC)[ But she also isn't a Circle mage, never knew the true extent of lyrium poisoning or what it did to Templars. That was a side she had never delved into until entering the Inquisition. Had she been someone else, had she been a human or a Qunari, would this have changed how she felt?
She frowns. ]
She deserves that chance. Cassandra's worked hard for it, like anyone else. The Seekers can and will be something great with her guidance. I believe in her and the potential she can find.
[ Would she speak of that to Lavellan, though? ]
I will...try to talk to her. She seemed distant when I tried to speak to her in person and I'm afraid she doesn't trust me. [ Scratch that. She KNOWS Cassandra doesn't trust her. ] I hope that will change.
[ There's a pause, like she might hang up. But then-- ]
Cullen, do you think... Should I have been more demanding of the Inquisition? Should I have tried to be more authoritative with the troops or with the others or-- I don't know. More like an Inquisitor should be?
voice;
Date: 2015-05-03 04:58 am (UTC)[ Not that he's one for insubordination. ]
I will... continue to try and put in a good word for you. [ That didn't help much, now did it. ] Think of it... perhaps as though you are starting again, and Cassandra is almost as she was after we'd discovered you in Haven. It will take time. But, Maker-willing, it will change.
[ It might even be worse, truthfully, given how little Cassandra seems to think of this "Adaar". ]
Truthfully? [ A pause as he think things through. ] There have been times that I've disagreed with the leniency you've given some. I would have not offered the rebel mages such lax terms, and I might have gone with a harsher hand on Ranier. [ A pause. ] And that is why I am not Inquisitor. You have always granted everyone a fair chance, even when they might not think they deserve it. Rather than ruling through fear or for your own ends, you seek to build a better world for everyone, be they elves, humans, or ex-templars that need to be reminded to take a moment for themselves.
[ She might not be able to see it, but he's smiling. ]
You are what an Inquisitor should be, and though I may not always agree with every decision you make at first, know that I will always stand by your side, as your commander and as your friend.
voice;
Date: 2015-05-05 03:27 am (UTC)[ It's been a long time since Cassandra has been so openly hostile with her. Cullen has the right idea of it, to treat it like she is starting again. Which, unfortunately, means walking on eggshells. ]
So long as she doesn't slap me in irons, I can do that. I really would like not to repeat such a scenario again.
[ Even if it is for Cassandra.
But even across the phone, Lavellan's smile echoes his own, and it is incredibly obvious. ]
I'm glad to give people another chance. We've been afforded that opportunity and we're lucky for it. Under other circumstances, I don't know if leniency would be possible. [ And she might not have been able to be the iron fist the Inquisition might have needed otherwise. ] I'm...sometimes glad I am the Inquisitor, if it means I can do these things to help people.
Thank you, Cullen. What you've said means a great deal to me. [ And it's lifted her spirits considerably. ] I cannot ask for a better commander or friend. I trust you'll tell me when-- No. If I should ever become similar to this other Inquisitor. I shouldn't have the title if it means all I am doing is serving myself.