We're not. [He gestures, agitated.] She was just trying to show...closeness, I suppose, in a friendly way, but she's never shown it like that. I suppose it's because it's what's expected of us here. And then it's as if I'm being unreasonable to object!
[Which is twisting the events, a bit. It had been his flinch, not his objection, that had blown up in his face.]
She's the Commander. Yes, it was odd. I'm not sure how one says no to one's commander, no matter how much she insists it's not like that here. I still had to comfort her when she realized I was uncomfortable. Maker, why do I always have to be the strong one?
[ Ah, well...those are sentiments that she can understand very well, can't she? Why do I always have to be the strong one? ]
You don't have to be. You can find people you trust, people who will support you when you need to fall down. They are out there.
[ Perhaps that's why he called her. But she doesn't press on that for the moment, standing from the stone she had been sitting on. ]
And you can say no by recognizing that we are people...and we want affection and friendships just like anyone else. [ It's said very gently, with no trace of bitterness, because she at least understands how that might look from her perspective. As First, not many people wanted to engage with her. Now... ] If that makes you uncomfortable, that's an understandable reaction. If I were the Commander, I would want someone to tell me that.
[Nathaniel sits back down and rests his elbows on his knees.]
The trouble is more than rank. It's that I'm a privileged son of a bitch and she grew up in an alienage. Any time I try to explain something that makes me uncomfortable, it sounds like I'm bragging about how lucky I was as a kid when she had nothing.
Yes, but you are a person, Ser Howe. And you have a right to express if you are feeling uncomfortable on a personal level. To tell someone that you feel strange because of rank or because of personal preference isn't the same as telling an elf that you don't want to kiss them because of their knife-ears or because you think they dance naked under the moonlight.
[ And she's entirely certain that he would never say such a thing, true or not. ]
I had thought that Wardens put those things behind them. She may be your superior, yes, but aren't you all equal in brotherhood?
The difference is that she had real problems when she was growing up. When I try to explain my objections, she...doesn't understand. She doesn't understand why I don't like it and I just...feel...foolish.
[He's red in the face, and has half a mind not to keep talking about this, but. This is his chance to find out if he's really crazy.]
My mother didn't let me touch her, not usually. She didn't really like me. If we were going somewhere, say, to bed, she would give Thomas this great big hug, she would give Delilah kisses, and...I had to stand away from her in her chair, hands behind my back, and lean forward and give her a kiss on the mouth. After that, she'd chide me for it being too lingering, or too quick, or too reluctant, and send us all off to bed.
It's not every woman's kiss that makes me feel that way, just...the ones with power over me, I think.
And so now everything you might do could lead to you being chastised or humiliated. It's not about who they are or how you feel, but because you think back to all the times you were treated like that. You don't know where to stand.
[ It makes more sense now. ]
I'm sorry, Ser Howe. That's not an easy thing to endure.
[ And even worse that it was not just an authority figure but his own mother, who should have been kinder, should have been more willing to give him love. ]
Care and love should be unconditional, not rife with standards and particulars. Especially with parents.
My nephew knows I love him. He knows he's...worth my time. Worth my life. Worth the whole world. Maybe he won't squire under a chevalier, but by my might and my sister's he will be happy and loved. His family won't be broken like ours was. Fergus Cousland gave me some holdings, and they'll go to him.
[He squeezes her hand.]
Since we're here, my lady, would you care to take a walk with me?
I'm glad you have him and your sister, then. It's...hard not to have family in your life.
[ And for Teyrn Cousland to give him holdings... Even better. Nathaniel had told her a little of the things that had happened, how he had no honor because of his family. She hopes that this will begin to fix things.
Lavellan gives him a smile, squeezes his hand back. ]
[ Entirely too much of a gentleman. But it's nice to be treated with the respect he gives her, especially since he doesn't appear wrapped up in her title as Inquisitor. This is just him being honorable. ]
Clan Lavellan. We lived in the Free Marches for most of my life, wandering here and there when we needed to.
[ She misses it but things are so different now. She doesn't know if she'll be welcomed back. ]
My mother was a hunter and my father was a craftsman. They were...much older when I was born. No one really expected me to happen until I did, much less that I'd turn out to be a mage.
[ There's a flicker of suspicion in her gaze and she tries desperately to know who he might have known, who might have told him. The Commander might have, but she wasn't Dalish. So who... ]
You know enough about Dalish mages to know that. Someone has told you, you've seen it for yourself, or you know a Dalish Keeper.
[There's that completely fair assumption that humans know nothing about Dalish culture. Which. He doesn't, really, beyond what Velanna condescended to disclose.]
I knew a clan had helped the Commander during the Blight but-- I'm surprised one joined the Wardens. [ That seems unkind of her to say, though, and she shakes her head. ] No, I'm more surprised that their clan allowed them.
Forgive me, Ser Howe. The Dalish are not known for working well with humans, even those who are kind to us.
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I wasn't aware that the two of you were involved.
[ Maybe they should have tried looking for Nathaniel Howe than simply trying to comb the wilds for the Warden-Commander. ]
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[Which is twisting the events, a bit. It had been his flinch, not his objection, that had blown up in his face.]
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But it still seemed...odd to you, despite us being here?
[ But then, the Warden-Commander is his superior. Perhaps that's how the others feel about her. ]
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[He stops pacing and rubs his face.]
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You don't have to be. You can find people you trust, people who will support you when you need to fall down. They are out there.
[ Perhaps that's why he called her. But she doesn't press on that for the moment, standing from the stone she had been sitting on. ]
And you can say no by recognizing that we are people...and we want affection and friendships just like anyone else. [ It's said very gently, with no trace of bitterness, because she at least understands how that might look from her perspective. As First, not many people wanted to engage with her. Now... ] If that makes you uncomfortable, that's an understandable reaction. If I were the Commander, I would want someone to tell me that.
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[Nathaniel sits back down and rests his elbows on his knees.]
The trouble is more than rank. It's that I'm a privileged son of a bitch and she grew up in an alienage. Any time I try to explain something that makes me uncomfortable, it sounds like I'm bragging about how lucky I was as a kid when she had nothing.
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[ And she's entirely certain that he would never say such a thing, true or not. ]
I had thought that Wardens put those things behind them. She may be your superior, yes, but aren't you all equal in brotherhood?
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Would you mind telling me why you don't like it? ...If you feel comfortable, of course.
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It...reminds me of my mother.
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I...don't understand.
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[He's red in the face, and has half a mind not to keep talking about this, but. This is his chance to find out if he's really crazy.]
My mother didn't let me touch her, not usually. She didn't really like me. If we were going somewhere, say, to bed, she would give Thomas this great big hug, she would give Delilah kisses, and...I had to stand away from her in her chair, hands behind my back, and lean forward and give her a kiss on the mouth. After that, she'd chide me for it being too lingering, or too quick, or too reluctant, and send us all off to bed.
It's not every woman's kiss that makes me feel that way, just...the ones with power over me, I think.
It's...foolish.
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[ It makes more sense now. ]
I'm sorry, Ser Howe. That's not an easy thing to endure.
[ And even worse that it was not just an authority figure but his own mother, who should have been kinder, should have been more willing to give him love. ]
Care and love should be unconditional, not rife with standards and particulars. Especially with parents.
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Maker. Yes. That's it exactly.
[But then she says she's sorry and his pride squirms a bit.]
That's what it's like to grow up noble. Everybody picks apart everyone below them. Everybody plays favorites. It's why I'm never having children.
[He opens his hand to her.]
Thank you. For understanding.
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[ She smiles, puts her hand in his. ]
I'm glad to help. That's what I'm here for.
[ And what she figures she's best at. ]
Besides, it sounds like it was quite a burden on your shoulders. If it eases the weight, then all the better.
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[He squeezes her hand.]
Since we're here, my lady, would you care to take a walk with me?
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[ And for Teyrn Cousland to give him holdings... Even better. Nathaniel had told her a little of the things that had happened, how he had no honor because of his family. She hopes that this will begin to fix things.
Lavellan gives him a smile, squeezes his hand back. ]
Of course. I'd love to.
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What clan are you from? [he begins as they start to walk.]
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Clan Lavellan. We lived in the Free Marches for most of my life, wandering here and there when we needed to.
[ She misses it but things are so different now. She doesn't know if she'll be welcomed back. ]
My mother was a hunter and my father was a craftsman. They were...much older when I was born. No one really expected me to happen until I did, much less that I'd turn out to be a mage.
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[ ...Wait a second. She turns to him. ]
How did you know that?
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[ There's a flicker of suspicion in her gaze and she tries desperately to know who he might have known, who might have told him. The Commander might have, but she wasn't Dalish. So who... ]
You know enough about Dalish mages to know that. Someone has told you, you've seen it for yourself, or you know a Dalish Keeper.
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[There's that completely fair assumption that humans know nothing about Dalish culture. Which. He doesn't, really, beyond what Velanna condescended to disclose.]
We had a Dalish mage in the Wardens, for a time.
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I knew a clan had helped the Commander during the Blight but-- I'm surprised one joined the Wardens. [ That seems unkind of her to say, though, and she shakes her head. ] No, I'm more surprised that their clan allowed them.
Forgive me, Ser Howe. The Dalish are not known for working well with humans, even those who are kind to us.
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